


i just wanted you to know this is me trying

by chaoticisms



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: And love, F/M, SO MUCH THERAPY, and she deserves to be happy, folklore is a philinda album, melinda may needs therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:53:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27075295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticisms/pseuds/chaoticisms
Summary: Melinda calls Philset post-Avengers
Relationships: Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Comments: 28
Kudos: 48





	i just wanted you to know this is me trying

**Author's Note:**

> May can't come to terms that Coulson is dead. 
> 
> title inspo:  
>  _“You're a flashback in a film reel  
>  On the one screen in my town  
> And I just wanted you to know  
> That this is me trying (maybe I don't quite know what to say)” _
> 
> ~ this is me trying by Taylor Swift

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to you soon, though._

“Did you really ask Captain America to sign your collectables? Of course you would. Nat said he signed ‘em and she’d get ‘em to me. Call me back.” 

━

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to yousoon, though._

“I went to Audrey’s concert. You’re right, she’s really good. We went to that bar - sorry - speakeasy, on 16th that you’re obsessed with. Joe, the bartender or owner or whatever, said he missed you. Call me back.” 

━

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to yousoon, though._

“Being Tony’s bitch had its perks. What’d you do? What’d you tell her about me? Pepper Potts has sent me expensive teas every day for the past week. Call me back.”

━

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to you soon, though._

“You’re the biggest idiot I’ve ever met. That’s why you’re comms and I’m the specialist. I’m the one who protects your defenseless ass. Remember? You’re the one that’s supposed to come back. Call me back.”

━

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to you soon, though._

“Nat and Clint stopped by today. They brought your cards back - signed. His signature’s ugly, a little smudged. I’ve already got a frame picked out. Call me back.”

━

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to you soon, though._

“‘member that bottle of Haig? I stole…it...I stole your _-hiccup-_ ….your Captain America shirt. How good is he? Do you really love him? If I was…if I was - _hiccup_ -…like him, would you have forgiven - _hiccup_ \- me? Was...was Audrey the...one? If she wasn’t there, wou..w...would we have talked...ov- _hiccup-._..over...a drink? C-c-call me back.”

━

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to you soon, though._

“They gave me a fucking shrink. Fury wants me to “talk to someone.” I just….I just wanted to hear your voice again. I know it’s fucking pathetic. Call me back.”

━

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to you soon, though._

“Please, for the love of God, call me back. Please, there’s no SHIELD witho…Just call me back!”

━

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to you soon, though._

“...I just can't...I just can't believe it. I don't want to. Always have to be the hero, don’t you? I have to clean out your apartment…and I-I know you’re a damn hoarder. You left...everything...to me? ...why me, Phil? I filled out the paperwork...Phil....C–…”

━

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to you soon, though._

“I didn’t punch Fury in the throat today. Dammit, Phil. DAMMIT. I miss you, okay? Just-just call me back. Please.”

━

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to you soon, though._

“…I went to your apartment for the last time. Gave the landlord my key. I ended up just standing there, looking at the kitchen. Didn’t realize how much time I spent here. Was here at least three times a week, like a leech, huh. Did you...did you need me like I needed you? I miss you. Call me back.”

━

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to you soon, though._

“Isn’t this stupid? I’m calling just to hear your voice. I have your last message saved from the tower but I can’t bring myself to listen to it again. I always thought this would be roles reversed. You said I’ll get through this...but….I still can’t believe what you did. I miss you. And I…still can’t believe that you’re…”

━

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to you soon, though._

“I went to Stark’s place again today. It’s been deserted ever since. I mean - it was mostly destroyed but still. There’s two agents still hanging around, but it’s just supervising. I looked for anything left. Maybe mistaken identity. You made it out. I don’t know, something? Call me back.”

━

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to you soon, though._

“The service was nice. Not at all small. Avengers were there. Rogers even had a few tears in his eyes. You brought ‘em all together, you know that? You were so popular and well-liked. You had so many friends. Nick asked me to give a speech. I didn’t. I couldn’t. But, you’re my family, Phil. The only solid thing in my life. I miss you. Call me back.”

━

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to you soon, though._

“I saw Maria today. You never came up. It's like everyone's moved on, but I doubt that's the case. You just - you left a presence. No one's taken your office, I don't think we'll let them. Everyone's walking on eggshells around the topic. You know, people thought I was your wife or something? Offering me condolences for losing my husband. Did you ever think about what would've happened if we had gotten that drink? I always had a feeling it'd be you and me. I thought...maybe...but it didn't though. You mean a lot to me, Phil. Maybe in another life, you know? I guess we did act a little married...so, I guess they’re right — I lost my partner. I miss you. I wish you’d call me back.”

━

_You’ve reached Phil Coulson, leave a message! Can’t promise I’ll get back to you soon, though._

“M-maybe I’m just blabbing at this point. It’s not like you’d hear me or ev-ever get these. I don’t know if I can do this without you. I c-can’t. I'm trying...I just...wanted you to know....but I can't. I mi–”

_Mailbox full._

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure if this structure even worked, but it's what I produced oops. I just always thought this is how May would've dealt with her grief losing Coulson the first time around.


End file.
